The Booty

I haven’t posted in a while, there just have not been any funny stories. But earlier today I remembered one that happened right before the New Years break.

I was standing in the hallway talking to a second grade teacher as the kids who need extra tutoring arrive early. This little boy who is the funniest kid comes walking up to us. He is a short little pudgy kid, he is some kind of Hispanic and is in ESL. His English isn’t the greatest and he has a bit of a learning disability, but he works hard. He says “Mr. W, I got money for the booty”I asked him what he said “I got money for the booty!” I was so confused so I asked again “Got money for the booty!” I asked with fear in my throat “Gabriel, what is the booty?” He replies like I am an idiot “You know the place where you can buy gifts for your mommy for Christmas?” I try to hold back a laugh “Oh you have money for the boutique?” and he says “Yeah for the booty.”
Out PTA was having a pre-holiday boutique full of knick-knacks and stuff and he had brought money to buy something. And here I was wondering which of hos classmates booty he was buying?

Coolest Gift Ever

So “Tom” comes into my room last Friday with a wrapped box and hands it to me. I thank him, and a few minutes after he leaves I open it so I can write him a quick thank you card before the vacation starts and well lets just say the contents startled me

I am not much of a whiskey drinker, actually I hate it. But I still love the thought. I mean I have gotten wine, even got a bottle of wine with the students picture on it. But JD brings it to another realm.

His Tingling Parts

A week or two ago one of our more mature sixth graders took another sixth grade boy and grabbed him (he was consenting) and took her hand on the back of his head and kissed him deeply. From what I heard this was no little peck on the lips, the lunchroom aides broke it up and since it was breaking some disciplinary rule she wrote it up and asked the two students to write what happened.

I saw what they wrote and the boy said he never kissed a girl before and he liked her so she kissed him. As I read it the assistant principal turned to me and said “I bet his little boys parts were happy for that kiss.”

Increase Your P

I swear I am not obsessed with urination. So I am teaching students who to calculate thermal energy which in its most basic definition is the total of the potential and kinetic energy in a piece of matter. On the board we were representing kinetic energy as K and potential as P and I asked “How would the P increase?” An entire 6th grade laughed, as did I.

Really?

Sometimes it feels real good to be a teacher and simple things make my weekend. I have a prep during the last period on Friday and usually walk out with the students. As I was leaving a 6th grader asked me a question, but before we get to that we need some background on her.

She is super intelligent and very full of herself. But I have always felt that that self confidence is masking a lot of insecurity. “Beth” does all kinds of things to make her popular, she dressed incredibly, is very pretty and has no problem using her looks, charm, and style to make herself stand out.

Because of Election day and our Parent-Teacher conferences I have not had her class for a while and I have not given them their test grades back. Unlike my third grade test this one was very hard and the grade average was way lower than I would have liked it to have been. So as I was leaving Beth said “Hi Mr. R, have a nice weekend. Oh BTW, how did I do on my science test?”

I replied “I don’t remember but I am sure you did fine, I would have remembered if you didn’t do well?”

Beth “What do you mean?”

“Beth you are very smart and I expect you to do well and if you didn’t I would have remembered.” I said as I was getting ready to walk away from her.

Her face lit up in a huge smile and she said excitedly “Really?”

I replied “Yes, and have a great weekend Beth” and headed to my car feeling good that I made her day and maybe added some true confidence into her psyche.

Love That Dirty Water

Doing a lesson on volume and how matter cannot be in two places at the same time. “Class, what happens when you get in the tub?”
Mary ” You sink”
Me “Excellent answer, what happens to the water?”
Eric” The water turns gray.”
Sorry I had to laugh

Zap

I finally got around to getting my Van De Graff generator working again since I am going to be teaching static electricity next week. The famous trick is to have a child hold it and when it cranks up their hair stands on end. The kids love it and it really gets them engaged in the lesson. I was testing it with some fifth graders and when they were done they would touch me to shoot a shock at me. I could discharge them another way but they like it and it doesn’t bother me. Well it didn’t until yesterday. Sandra stepped off the stool after he hair stood on end and she was losing her balance and reached out to grab the desk that I was standing next to her. I went to grab her and I saw a blue spark shoot out of her hand and right to my pants zipper. The way I was “dressed” today meant that the spark hit me right on the tip of where no guy wants to get shocked.

I will now discharge the students another way.

The Soprano

Last year my school instituted a new policy where as every graduating 6th grader must do six-hours of service work in the community or school. It is a great program which teaches the children giving and gets me eager, willing volunteers

It is also used as a way to “punish” the children who have strayed(for lack of a better word). Well there is this one kid I will called Rob who is one of those kids that every teacher wants to strangle. This is going to sound so wrong, but he has so little to offer you just want him out of the school. He is not one of those troubled geniuses Or slower kid’s who you feel sorry for and want to help, even know they make your life hell. He doesn’t have a screwed up home life, he is just a kid with average intelligence but is a total pain in the ass. He is rude to everyone, both peers and staff. Well he was out of control during lunch recess for a few weeks and as a punishment (which was called a community service project) he stays in the lunchroom the period after he eats and has to monitor the unruly kindergarten students and first graders. The idea is for him to see what it is like for the lunch staff to try and control unruly kids like himself. The teachers love it because they get rid of him one period a day.

So on Friday he was doing his service project and one first grader with an attitude refused to line up. Rob, walked over like a big tough sixth grader and stood in the kids face and said “You better line up!” at this point the kid looked him in the eye and said “No!” and slammed his knee into Rob’s nuts. Rob fell over in pain and crying and the lunch aides ran over to him to see if he was OK. He was sent to the nurse and was teased unmercifully by his peers for the rest of the day.

I know this is so wrong, but I am sure that many of my peers cracked a smile when we imagined Rob on the floor crying at the hands of an unruly first grader. As long as he was OK, and he was, it was fitting.

Pomp and Circumstance

(A few weeks back)

I was doing a lesson and introduced graduated cylinders to 2nd graders. I asked if they knew what they were called and with a few of them we got it out of them. Then a little girl raised her hand and said “Like graduated from school?” and as I said “Yes” I heard another little six-year old humming “Pomp and Circumstance”

The Chinks

(A few weeks back)

We were in teams making cars that were powered by rubber bands and trying to see whose card could go the furthest. I had one group of rather intelligent Asian boys working together. Part of their assignment was to come up with a team name and I overheard one of them say “We should call ourselves The Chinks.” I leaned in and said “How about another name?” and walked away and I overheard one say “Asian Pride” which would have been acceptable but not really the multi-cultural ideals we try to have in my school.

So when I asked them their team name in front of the class I was nervous and one blurted out “Walmart Security.” Where the hell that came from I have no idea?